Tom and Lucy
by Author of Doom Earth
Summary: The adventures of voldemort and Lucius Malfoy living in a muggle world! Thanks to all my reviewers. I'm taking down 5 and 6 to fix 4 u. Sorry:(
1. Default Chapter

TOM AND LUCY  
By Authors of Doom Earth and Storm  
Disclaimer: Alas, it is the unfortunate truth that my friend and I own nothing to do with the Harry potter world. The only thing that we own is  
the insanity that God has bequeathed to us ( or maybe it was some other deity who wanted to torture our parents.) and the ideas of our plot line.  
Oh, and we came up with the Authors of Doom group with a few friends of  
ours, but Storm's my fave Sis! LOL.  
  
Now that he has finally regained a physical form, Voldemort attempts to hide from Dumbledore until he regains his strength. Along with the help of his faithful minion, Lucius Malfoy, he discovers what happens when you live in a muggle apartment. Find out about the hassles of everyday living for the two ugliest, most evil jerks in the entire world!  
  
How it all began:  
  
Voldemort laughed frenziedly as he beheld his Death Eaters. " Finally I have gained back my physical form and the rein of Lord Voldemort will come!" The people in tacky black hoods cheered and laughed viciously as they celebrated the return of their Lord. Voldemort waved his fists in the air in a mock victory dance and fell over from over-exertion. The Death Eaters quickly became silent and stared wide-eyed as they awaited orders from their fallen Master. " Don't just stand there with your mouths catching flies! HELP ME UP!" Lucius Malfoy ran forward to help his weakened ruler. " Here you are, My Lord. Right as rain." Voldemort scowled. " Your Master is still weak!" Voldemort snapped. " I will have to hide for a while longer until I am once again the young, strong, strapping man I used to be!" " How old ARE you, Boss?" Wormtail asked while scratching his balding head. " I'm. NEVER MIND THATYOU FOOL!" " I was just askin'." Voldemort hit him on the head with the same weakness as a tap in a cat-fight. " Lucius, you have been faithful to me before." " Yes Master." " DON'T INTERRUPT ME YOU STUPID MINION!" Voldemort screeched. " Like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted!" He shot Malfoy a glare. " I will need you to protect me while I hid in the muggle world." " Sir? What do you mean." " You and I shall live together in a flat where you will help me regain my strength!" Voldemort's eyes glazed as an image of the muggle show 'The Odd Couple' popped into his head. " Now, go forth and get me my flat!" " Uh, are you sure about this.?" " Yes! Now go! Go, go, go, go, go!" Malfoy shrugged and dissapparated, causing Voldemort to fall down again from lack of support. " Lucius you idiot! Someone help me up!" People hurried to help Voldemort onto his feet. ________________________________________________________________________ " Now, I know it's not much, My Lord, but it's the best I could find on such short notice." They enter into a slummish looking flat and Voldemort scowls. " THIS PLACE IS A DUMP! I order you to make it habitable." He raises his miniscule nose and gives a scoff. " Yes My Lord." Malfoy sneers as he bows down. " Lousy ungrateful." He mutters under his breath. " I heard that, Malfoy! Where is my bedroom?" Lucius had gotten them some basic needs and furniture while he was out. " It's the first room on the left, My Lord. I hope it is to your liking." Voldemort said nothing as he went to go to sleep. ________________________________________________________________________ Lucius spent the rest of the night cleaning up the dirty apartment and making everything look pleasant- a task he was astonishingly good at. His wand hand was so sore by the end of the night and his blond hair was no longer slicked back into a neat pony-tail, but falling out in a scraggly manner and wet from sweat and hair potion. Voldemort woke up and walked out to find Lucius out on the couch, having fallen asleep barely minutes before his master had risen. " Get up you lazy worm!" Voldemort prodded him with his wand. " You STINK! I order you to bathe immediately!" Lucius groaned and reluctantly made his way toward the shower. This was going to be a very LONG assignment.  
  
Author's Note:  
Well here it is, the introductory chapter! My friend Storm and I had both had similar dreams of what type of antics these two would get into living together in the muggle world- and here it is! I hope you all enjoyed it because I sure had fun writing it! (Maybe a little too much fun) Now I'm going to go work on chapter two- Voldemort vs. the fly! Please review and tell us what you think of our insanity!  
Author of Doom: Earth ( 


	2. Tom vs the fly

TOM AND LUCY  
By Authors of Doom: Earth and Storm  
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Harry potter or Wal-Mart. Anything unfamiliar to you, along with the plot line, is a result of my messed-up  
brain.  
  
Now that he has finally regained a physical form, Voldemort attempts to hide from Dumbledore until he regains his strength. Along with the help of his faithful minion, Lucius Malfoy, he discovers what happens when you live in a muggle apartment. Find out about the hassles of everyday living for the two ugliest, most evil jerks in the world!  
  
Chapter two: Voldemort Vs. The Fly  
  
Lucius smelled the first cup of coffee he had made in his life and gagged. It smelled like tar, and he had a suspicious feeling it would taste as such as well. Reluctantly, he downed the thing as quickly as possible- he needed the caffeine. " Master, we need to act more like muggles, My Lord." He frowned. " I've been watching these strange creatures through the window, and we will be caught." Voldemort frowned as he sipped his coffee. " I suppose I'll have to alter my appearance , there must not be very many muggles as ghoulishly handsome as I am." He preened, while slicking back the one miniscule hair on his bald head. Lucius hid a chuckle. " That they haven't, My Lord." He sighed as he read a paper he had stolen from a neighbor's doormat. " I'll have to go out today and purchase us some muggle clothes. Maybe you can go through that box of stuff left over by the old resident?" He suggested to his master. " Very well, very well. Go on Malfoy. Get me my muggle attire." He said sophisticatedly. Lucius left the room and Voldemort heard the front door close. He shrugged and pulled the box onto the coffee table, seating himself on the musty sofa. " Let's see what do we have here." He pulled out a bent fork and tossed it carelessly behind him. "Useless. A crayon?! What vile being would keep such a happy tool in his domicile?!" He destroyed it on the table while shouting, " Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!" Then regaining his composure, he turned back to the box, where out flew- a fly! " What?! A fly! A fly has invaded my threshold! You shall be punished!" he searched frantically through the box until he came upon the desired item. " Ah! A fitting weapon for such a duel! Alas, my flyswatter! Together we shall be victorious!" It was quite a sight to see Voldemort chasing the fly with a pink, rubber, foot-shaped flyswatter while yelling in old English. " Ye shall be defeated, sir fly! Justice shall at last be mine!"  
  
Lucius got some pretty strange looks as he walked around the Wal- Mart chain store. He had been baffled by the automatic entrance in the front and had run in quickly behind a muggle with short brown hair, looking neither male nor female. He had accepted the cart bequeathed to him by a Vaseline-enduced smiling teenager with black hair and a nose ring. After observing the other customers, Lucius quickly caught on and wheeled the blue basket down the aisles. " This is actually not so bad." He thought aloud as he walked through the aisles, placing food into the cart. " Excuse me, sir? Where is the men's department?" A pimply-faced, runny-nosed teenager turned around, causing Lucius to gasp in shock. " It's in the back left if the store, sir." He replied in a nasally voice, pushing up coke-rimmed glasses. " Uh, thank you." Lucius said hurriedly and rushed off to the male clothing aisles. His shock was not yet over when he saw what awaited him there- Bermuda shorts and vile looking T- Shirts. " Oh this is just SO bloody fantastic." He sighed as he placed several items into the cart and walked over to the checkout line. " What the bloody Hell?!" All the lines were insanely long and there were only two lanes open. He waited for almost an hour before he finally reached the front. " Hello sir, thank you for shopping Wal-Mart." A perky blonde boy who seemingly had Terret's syndrome started to scan his items. " How was your. MONKEY ORGY!" " Uh, I'm sorry? I didn't catch that." " Oh, I asked if you. LICK THOSE BALLS PROFESSOR HORNY MAN!" Lucius was in shock and his pale cheeks turned slightly red as the passersby looked at him like he was a huge zit on Rebecca Romain-Stamos's nose. ( The super- model who plays Mystique from X- MEN.) " Um. can we speed this up please?" He asked in a shy voice. " Sure thing Sir, let me just. CODDLE YOUR FEET AND POUR MILK ON YOUR LEGS!" Lucious ran like a bat out of Hell as soon as he paid. " Come again!" The doorman with one eye yelled after him in a voice not so much unlike a woman's. " What a freak show!" He panted, after having run four miles back to the apartment. " I'm home Master!" He called out and then screamed as he was hit in the head with a flyswatter.  
  
" Die you vile fly! I shall have your head for my snack!" Voldemort yelled. " My Lord, are you alright?" Lucius asked, while rubbing his head in pain. " This despicable creature has taunted me all day! It must die!" He screeched. " My Lord, wouldn't it be more. effective to just use Avada Kedavra?" Lucius suggested, giving his leader as cautious look. " No Malfoy! It is the principle of the thing! Aha! Gotcha!" He smacked the wall with the flyswatter. " Victory is mine! Fear me! I am Lord Voldemort- destroyer of flies!" " I've gotten us some clothing, you still should transfigure your appearance, Sir. I will start lunch. YOWIE!!!" He shrieked as he stepped on the discarded fork. " Sorry, Malfoy, I must've gotten too caught up slaying the beast to remember that was there." He came into the kitchen. " What do you think of this?" Lucius dropped the cup he was holding and opened his mouth wide. Voldemort looked like a fair-skinned, lanky redhead with a big nose and squinty red eyes. He wore a pair of glasses Lucius had stolen from an old man who had insulted him on the street. He had on a pair of orange shorts and a puke green sweater vest over a bright yellow T-Shirt that read, " My hot dog is for sale". He also had on a pair of red high-tops, a white scarf and one blue latex glove he had found in the box. " What are you wearing?!" He said in shock. " You like?" Voldemort twirled. " Just call me Tom the fly torturer!" He made a super-hero pose. "You really hated that fly, didn't you?" He said in exasperation. "It tormented me with it's constant buzz buzz buzzing!" Lucius paled as another fly flew in through the open window. " DIE!" " Not again." Lucius took out a flask of scotch and took a deep swig.  
  
Author's Note:  
Hello again everyone! Earth here typing for your enjoyment (I hope () Well that was chapter two, let us know what you think ( ! Storm insisted that I write this as the first event chapter. The whole fly thing came from a dream we both had and I came up with the freaky Wal-Mart part to give Lucius something to do. I hope you all like it! Chapter three is going to be in the works soon, just so you're all aware, I'm typing the first few chapters out before I send them, that way you get more chapters at a time (!  
Until later,  
Authors of Doom: Earth and Storm ( 


	3. Chop seuy no goody

TOM AND LUCY  
By Authors of Doom: Earth and Storm Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Harry potter or other related material, nor Wal-Mart or anything else overly familiar. All I own is the  
insanity in my head that you have chosen to read- yay for you!  
  
Now that he has finally regained a physical form, Voldemort attempts to hide from Dumbledore until he regains his strength. Along with the help of his faithful minion, Lucius Malfoy, he discovers what happens when you live in a muggle apartment. Find out about the hassles of everyday living for the two ugliest, most evil jerks in the world!  
  
Chapter Three: Chop-Suey No Goody  
  
" Lucious!" " Yes Master?" Lucius came into the living room to find Voldemort staring at the T.V. with a can of beer n the table. He had his bunny footie pajamas on, ones that he had picked out himself on his little excursion to Wal- Mart. (Note: This is another trip not mentioned previously.) Lucius cringed as he saw the scene and instantly moved the can to a coaster. Voldemort belched. " You've been cooking all week, Malfoy, and I have to say. YOU'RE TERRIBLE AT IT!" Lucious was near to tears. " I try, My Lord! I really do! Would it kill you to help?!" " What are you a Woman?!" Voldemort sneered and Lucius sniffed. " I want you to order me something called Chinese Food." Malfoy raised a brow. " Chinese Food? Are you sure, My Lord?" " Yes! And besides, Lucius, I told you to call me Sir Tom, the torturer of flies!" " Alright, Sir Tom, torturer of flies. Here's the delivery menu." He hands Vol- I mean Sir Tom, a purple folded piece of paper. " Was that sarcasm?" Tom snapped. " No, that was a Chinese food menu." Lucius responded. " Ha, Ha. You are sooo witty Lucius!" Tom said with evident sarcasm. " So, what shall we order?" Lucius said in the signature Malfoy 'I'm bored with this' drawl. " I don't have all day, My Lord. There is much yet to be done." He was filing his nails while he waited for Tom's response. " Yes LUCY, whenever you finish doing your nails, you can order me some chop-suey. It sounds interesting." " Yes My Lord Tom of the flies." Malfoy sneered. " What the bloody Hell is wrong with you, Lucius?! I am Sir Tom, torturer of flies!" He snapped. Lucius rolled his eyes. " Yes, Master, whatever you say. I shall use the felly tone to order us some Chinese food." " Good minion, now let Sir Tom watch his rugby like a good little wife." " I am NOT anyone's wife!" " Good, Lucius, I am keeping you on your toes." Tom took a swig of beer.  
  
Lucius looked at the strange contraption in his hand and raised his eyebrow. " Hello?" He asked the earpiece. " I'd like some Chinese food. BLAST YOU STUPID FELLY TONE, WHY DON'T YOU WORK?!" He starts to bang the contraption on the table in his rage. Then he discovers the buttons. " Oh, Ooopsie. let's see. this button says 'on'." He pushes the 'on' button. " It works! Hello? I would like some Chinese food. DAMN YOU PHONE! WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO?!" He raged. He was about to crumple the menu in his anger when he saw the sentence ' Call us at 555-1111'. " Maybe I have to push the number buttons." He heard a ring tone and then a woman with a heavy Chinese accent ( think of 'Dude, where's my car') answered the phone. " Hello, howcanIhelpyou?" " Pardon me?" " I said, howcanIhelpyou?" "Um. I would like some Chinese food." " Yes, Sir, that is why you call us. What kind Chinese food you want?" " Uh, two orders of chop-seuy and two egg rolls please for delivery." " Okay, that will be two order hopping doodie and two leg bowls?" " What?! I asked for chop-seuy and egg rolls!" " That what I say, hopping doodie and leg bowls." " Chop seuy and egg rolls!" " Hopping doodie and leg bowls!" " Chop seuy and egg rolls!" " Hopping doodie and leg bowls!" " Chop seuy and egg rolls!" " Hopping doodie and leg bowls!" " Listen Lady, I want you to deliver two orders of chop-suey and tow egg rolls to this address right away!" " Okay Sir, we be there twenty minute, your total is $23. 98." 'CLICK' the other line went dead and Lucius scowled.  
  
" Here's your bloody Chinese food Tom!" Lucius said angrily as he handed Tom a container and an egg roll. " Thank you Lucius. What are these?" He held up a pair of chopsticks. " I think they are for eating utensils." He reads the instructions on the package and attempts to do it properly. " YEOWIE!" he snapped his finger between the two sticks. " Oh you moron, let Sir Tom show you how it is done." He attempted as well. " Die, die, die!" He used the chopsticks to stab his food. " My Lord, I think you are a genius." Lucius did the same thing. The two evil morons ate until they were content. " Now My Lord, tell me more of this 'rugby' thing."  
  
Author's Note: Hello, hello again! It's me, Earth and I finally finished this one at home. I originally was thinking of how they would handle chopsticks, but this is what I came up with! I tried to post these yesterday but it was giving me a hard time logging in ( I promise the next chapter will be posted soon after this is up! (  
Peace out!  
Authors of Doom: Earth and Storm 


	4. The Supermarket scene

TOM AND LUCY  
  
By Authors of Doom: Earth and Storm  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Harry Potter, all I own is the  
whacked-out story formed by my own twisted mind!  
  
Now that he has finally regained a physical form, Voldemort attempts to hide from Dumbledore until he regains his strength. Along with the help of his faithful minion, Lucius Malfoy, he discovers what happens when you live in a muggle apartment. Find out about the hassles of everyday living for the two ugliest, most evil jerks in the world! Lucius: Hey Earth, what do you have against us anyway?! Voldemort: Hey, I'm Tom! Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom! And whatever he said. Earth: Well, you Lucius, torment my favorite character in the books. ( Raises nose and 'hmph's) Lucius: Who would that be, Potter? Storm: NO! I like Harry, she likes Draco. Earth: ( nods head rapidly) Ouch! Whiplash! Tom: Hey! You still haven't told us why you don't like ME of all people! Earth: Would've thought THAT was obvious.  
  
Storm: You're trying to kill my Harry! No one kills ANY of my boyfriends!  
  
Earth: Here, here Sis! Harry: (crestfallen) You have other boyfriends? Storm: Um. well. Earth: Obliviate!  
  
Harry, Tom and Lucius: What was I doing? ( they swagger a little)  
  
Storm: You were going to starting the fourth chapter of the story. Earth: Oh man! Storm, do I HAVE to write the fourth part NOW? ( whines) Storm: Yes, and take Draco out of your closet, I know he's hiding in there! Earth: NO! NOT MY MUSE! WAAH!  
  
Storm: Type.  
  
Earth: Okay. ( smiles as she types on) Storm: Too easy.  
Well here I go.  
  
Chapter four: The Supermarket Scene  
  
" My Lord, I really must insist you stop wearing such, unusual clothing combinations." " Nonsense! I'll wear pink leggings and a tube top any day I please, Malfoy, now take me to the groceries!" " Oh brother." Lucius muttered as he pushed Tom in the cart.  
  
" Why does HE have to come again, Petunia?" Uncle Vernon was very upset at the prospect of taking Harry with him to the grocery store. " Because, Vernon, my book club will be here soon and I will not have HIM ruin my reputation as a hostess!" She stuck up her skinny, lengthy nose and her overly large neck protruded from the collar of her dress prominently. " Fine, boy, get in the car." " Yes Uncle Vernon." He reluctantly followed the big man out the door and into Vernon's new company car. " This'll be a hoot." He muttered as they drove off. " Let's see, we need. milk!" Lucius grabbed for the last container of milk at the same time as a burly man with blonde mustache that was so dangerously ugly. " That's my milk!" Vernon hollered. " No way! I saw it first you muggle fool!" " Mr. Malfoy?!" " Harry Potter?!" Tom shrieked. " AHH! RUN PEOPLE RUN! THAT GUY WANTS TO KILL ME!" Harry pointed to the disguised Lord Voldemort. " Shut up boy, you are causing a scene!" Vernon hit Harry sharply on the head. " That's your Uncle?" Voldemort asked. ( TOM! Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom!) Sorry! " Yes." Harry was trying to be brave, although his legs shook more than fat old ladies arms when they do the gardening. ( All the fat and skin wobbling. get the picture?) " I pity you." Lucius and Vernon were getting into the lamest insult fest ever, due to the fact that Vernon's a duffer and all the muggle comments Lucius had didn't make sense to his opponent. " Gee, that means sooo much coming from the guy who wants to KILL ME!" Harry roared. " Didn't Dumbledore teach you any anger management?" Tom shook his head and clucked. " Hey, you think I need anger management?! Who's the person who kills others because he hates his father?!" Harry snapped. " That hits deep, Harry, real deep." Tom whined, clutching his chest. " Um. I'm sorry?" Harry suggested. " Thank you, even us super villains have feelings. Oh, and Harry?" " Yes?" Harry was so bewildered by what was going on. " I'm still going to kill you." " I figured you'd say that." He sighed. " Come Boy! I got the milk!" Vernon yelled in triumph. " Not for long you ugly gorilla!" Lucius jumped on top of Vernon and the carton tumbled to the floor, exploding its contents all over the four people. " YOU BROKE THE MILK!" Both roared. "ME?! YOU DID IT! DID NOT! STOP COPYING ME!" " It's so hard to find good minions nowadays." Tom sighed. " Lucius, let us depart!" " Yes My Lord." Lucius reluctantly followed his master to the check out line.  
  
" Will that be paper or plastic Sir?" The checkout lady asked. " Plastic, please." Lucius responded. Tom took one look at the plastic bags and let out a girlish scream. " No! Not the plastic bags! AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" " What's wrong, My Lord?" Lucius asked hurriedly. " They're evil." He began. " One year at the orphanage where I grew up, they gave me a bag just like that one for Christmas and I nearly choked to death!" He shuddered. "Uh, paper please?" Lucius was very embarrassed. "Wait 'till I tell the others that the great Lord Voldemort is afraid of bags!" Harry shouted with glee. " Happy birthday to me!" "NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Author's Note: Yayness! Chapter four is totally finished! ( Storm came up with the concept to make Voldemort afraid of plastic bags and I made up a story to go along with it, as per the custom. She'll be writing some of her own soon too! Sorry to anyone who didn't like how much Harry freaked out (Storm'll probably have a thing or two to say about this one), it just made things all the more funny! I'm going to take a break from this fic for a little while (i.e. an hour or two) and work on some other stuff, lest my head shall explode with Harry humor and Voldemort bashing. ( Not necessarily a bad thing, but still.)  
Peace Out peeps,  
Authors of Doom: Earth And Storm 


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